New Zealand’s Next Top Model: Cycle Three, Episode 1

Each week The Corner’s NZNTM panel will post a review of the latest episode with running commentary, screenshots, ‘best of’ awards, and an open comments section. To see our official live tweets during the show follow panel member @vajilly for the lols and thirsty, thirsty cups of haterade. We’ll also be scanning Twitter for tweets of the week, make sure all your posts have a #NZTNM tag and we’ll let you know if you’ve been picked to appear in the column.

Episode 0

So last week we declared a list of predictions based on the promo material for the first episode. Without any type of meaningful review we’ll give ourselves a B+ for accuracy – there was no catwalk section, the selection shoot was ‘Early Settler’ themed rather than the bikini shoot, and Sara failed to ice queen anyone.

We were bang on with one prediction though: Sisarich polished the shit out of that invisible pumpkin.

Episode 1

Location: Bay of Islands
Special Guest: Teresa Moore (Moontide)
Photo Shoot: NZ Colonial
Feature Photographer: Russell Flatt (*swoon*)

Without commercials an episode of NZNTM runs about 44-minutes, so an episode with 33 girls is always a rush. Lots of viewers were surprised at the lack of open audition footage which is a rookie charge – neither of the previous cycles have shown the initial casting phase, only Sara videophoning girls to let them know they’ve made the first phase.

After a straight-forward bikini shoot with strained advice from Teresa Moore, the 33 hopefuls were cut to 20 in a ceremony that involved trampling on dead animal skin and sniffing piss (this actually happened). In between were the awkward panel interviews that included hula hooping, terminal illness, religiosity and netball. The gem of this segment was Isabel introducing herself as part-Tongan, and Teresa Moore responding with a hearty “oooh, malalalalay!”. Malo e ofa, Teresa.

The colonial themed shoot was a nice leveler for the less conventional girls and gave up some really great shots. It also marked the return of Cycle 2 photographer and pansexual heartthrob Russell Flatt a.k.a nature’s handsomest Maori. The full set of pics are up on the official site.

The final thirteen contenders are listed below:

33 Going On 13: The Contenders

Amber D 18

Super tall at 185cm (that’s six feet). Doesn’t look like an 18 year old though, add 10 years easy. Personality is tall and snoozy, due to lack of oxygen in upper atmosphere.

Aminah 23

More or less geriatric in this bunch. African-extraction. Asked if being Muslim would stop her from doing any model type stuff – a total contrivance, responded to in kind. Quite close to a plus-size figure, which wasn’t mentioned by judges (Top Model lore demands only one per cycle).

Arihana 19

Ginger, angular in the extreme. A bit obvious to compare with Rebecca Rose because of the ginge-ness, probably a better comparison with Judy Greer (co-star of The Hebrew Hammer)

Aroha 19

The plus-size girl. Farms, lands, real-talk etc. Basically setting the scene that she’s from peasant stock, therefore built for the work. Aroha’s surname is ‘Newby’ <3

Asher-Jayne 19

Two words: Home. Schooled. She’s like Nellie and Elza rolled into one and made an extra bit special :oB Early crowd favourite, but immediately dismissed as fodder by the panel.

Bianca 16

Immediately called out as a plant by all except the most naive/hopeful of under-25 audience. Is an overly-studied awkward alternative teen from the 90s – reeks of either producer interference or cynical game tactics. Did anyone else notice how hesitant the clapping was when she was made the Top 13?

Brianna 16

Into netball. Twice. Which makes sense, she’s 16 – she’s not supposed to be into anything more exciting. Says she’d sacrifice friendships to win, but doesn’t seem outwardly bitchy. There’s hope though.

Bridgette 21

Drugs and booze background. Don’t like her. Putting it out there from the start: my mother told me not to trust anyone with suspicious teeth.

Hillary 17

The new Laura? Kinda sweet looking.

Isabel 18

Tongan (half-caste). Genuine enthusiasm, definitely likes to chill – could be the grown-up Ruby of Cycle 3? The most visibly stoked throughout selection.

Rosanagh 17

Exotic white person alert! Polish (as in, from Poland) (is Pollack considered a slur nowadays?) (Sorry if it is).

Tyne 17

We smell an undercover biatch. Apparently had trouble at school, when all her friends turned on her (yeah, well, that’s fourth form for you)… but where there’s smoke, there’s fire. Hopefully Tyne blossoms into Cycle 3′s Dakota/Holly hybrid.

Yanna 16

(-_-) zzZZzZz.

Short-Comers of Note

These girls were cut from the competition, but not from our hearts:

Amber – Into horses :oD

Courtney – Engaged. Life appears to have happened to her already = instant grounds for dismissal.

Eden – Dropped out of her own volition, destroying chances of a repeat staunch Maori-girl story arc >:o|

Kelsey - Egged-on to the show via 350 facebook likes. Pro-tip: three-hundred and forty nine pubescent boys wanted to see bikini pics. The other one wanted a new Home Ec partner for six weeks

Chloe, Chloe S, Chloe V – The ‘Bex’ or ‘Chelsea’ for 90′s babies. Who knew?

Give Me Models? Give Me Money

If funding was an issue in earlier seasons, it sure didn’t show in the laundry list of sponsors attached to Cycle 3. Here’s a list of the totally unobtrusive branding opportunities we saw in first episode:

Glassons - Major sponsor, masthead credits

Covergirl – Makeup giveaway for 33 hopefuls

Pascoes – Charm bracelet giveaway for 13 contenders

Moontide – Sponsor of guest judge, outfits for first challenge

Various Accomodation – Each hotel received a nice panning shot at its gates

Pacific Blue/V Australia – Sponsored ad-breaks (MASSIVE SPOILER: See Predictions for details)

Ford Motors – The panel’s favourite spot, so low-key that it was painfully conspicuous (see below)

Official sponsors include NEXT Models, CLEO Magazine and Nivea but they remained reasonably quiet in the opening episode. The closing credits also reveal that the girls are transported between locations via ‘Hummerzine’, which is a kind of viking longboat for the dim-witted.

Predictions – Episode 2

The teaser for episode two let out a few bland clues:

1. There’s a wild card contestant. Is it someone from the 33? the 20? from open auditions? We don’t care. Unless it’s Eden.

2. The girls will be staying in the luxurious Hilton in Auckland’s Viaduct, and by luxurious we mean leaky building.

**SPOILER ALERT**

The biggest clue for upcoming episodes wasn’t even in the show. The V Australia competition promoted during the ad break listed the following as prize destinations: Sydney, Melbourne, L.A. and Abu Dhabi.

Since L.A. and Sydney have already been used on the show, and New Zealanders are no longer welcome in Melbourne, we’re officially predicting that this years travel shoot will take place in Abu Dhabi. Boom.

Top Tweets:

“F**k Sara Tetro is 10 years younger that last season” – @MrOfford accuses 62 Models chief of vampirism: sexy, sexy vampirism.

“RIP all colonial theorists whose brains just exploded” – @Warney purports the Mathura-Jeffree model of ‘Colinization’.

“Arihana looks like a Quentin Blake illustration” – @hannahlucyr thinks Roald Dahl wrote a book about Kitty Sanchez.

Tweet of the Week:

“OMG the girls on nzntm are beautiful. Bitches” – @Anika_Moa pens the ‘How Many Roads Must A Man Walk Down?’ of our generation.

[Follow @vajilly for live-tweets during the show, and a chance to make Tweet of the Week.]

5 Comments

  1. 185cm is 6’1″. My favourite bit of this episode was when creepy ol’ Sisarich stood next to her and was silently emasculated by her towering frame.

  2. ANNA FUCKING WILSON says:

    PROUD OF U CORNERZ, WANA COME ROUND AND SUX MA DICK??

  3. Brooke says:

    Something strange has happened to the judges over the break I’m sure. Becoming even more deeply scared of Chris.

    Other than that too rushed as expected to get a feeling for the season yet, but after Sara’s brain-exploding entrance I’m expecting big things.

    Bummed to already dislike Bianca this early in the game, she’s dropped way too keenly crafted a narrative, oh well.

  4. lmao at ‘Malo e ofa, Teresa.’

  5. Kirsten says:

    Anyone else notice Sara’s choice of a military-style jacket at Waitangi? Hilarious and totally inappropriate.

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