New Zealand’s Next Top Model: Cycle Three, Episode 5

Each week The Corner’s NZNTM panel will post a review of the latest episode with running commentary, screenshots, ‘best of’ awards, and an open comments section. To see our official live tweets during the show follow panel member @vajilly for the lols and thirsty, thirsty cups of haterade. We’ll also be scanning Twitter for tweets of the week, make sure all your posts have a #NZTNM tag and we’ll let you know if you’ve been picked to appear in the column.

Episode 5
Locations: TAPAC, Te Kuiti, Smash Palace
Special Guest: DJ Sir-Vere (Phil Bell)
Photo Shoot: ‘Mai FM Street Jams’ album cover
Feature Photographer: Olivia Hemus
Eliminated: Briana Allen

Issy is sad because her GFF Yanna is gone. Never fear, Issy, you can move to Auckland in a few months’ time and share a flat in Grey Lynn. It’s all good cuz <3
Amber said afterward that it would have been easier for her to go home than to see Issy that sad about Yanna’s departure. Genuine sentiment, delivered in a bored/broad monotone which, really, is a remarkable skill, given the NZ accent naturally has an inflects at the end of each sentence. Think about it, haters?

We News of the Worlded Duncan Greive’s iPhone. This was his wallpaper, lock screen and bebo profile pic. His username was TakeItToTheBridge76.

Homai Te Kanikani

Saramail. Something about movers and shakers. What does it meeeeeean?
Aroha obliterated a deep-seated racial stereotype by confessing she “can’t really move, and can’t really shake it”. She went on to establish an entirely new stereotype for girls who lie about not being able to dance in piece-to-cams.

Someone forgot to depressurize the Yellow Submerzine this week, so the captain chartered a course to TAPAC in Western Springs through wrong-direction Ponsonby Rd and wrong-to-be-given-a-license Tamaki Drive.

Too fab for Good Morning

Once they arrived at TAPAC (Bianca’s high school), the girls were greeted with choreographed street queen moves from Vogue. Hilary declared that dance troupe were ‘really eccentric’. Really, Hilary? The guys teaching you to chest pop and drop low are ‘eccentric’? THEY’RE CALLED ‘VOGUE’.

She’s from Gore, why isn’t she comfortable with saying GAY?

Bianca succeeded in her improv pukana bid. With the challenge, not so much.

Paris is Gurning

We won’t lie, the dancing looked tough. Here is a verbatim extract of their instructions:
“Runway, runway, through, gagaga, aaaaand Crocodile Dundee” (o_0)

Tyne was far and away the best, possibly because she’s a gymnast and has a general understanding of the concept of movement. Or maybe something else *hrm*. Overall, it was a pretty boring exercise. The Panel (wisely) chose to eat dinner at this point in the show.

The Panel’s highlight from this whole sequence: one of the Vogue dancers performed on Homai Te Pakipaki a few weeks back. We were glad to see him again.

Is this the white girls’ z-snap?

During our delicious dinner of home fries, fresh salad and seasoned chicken a fitch bit broke out when Bianca ‘stole’ Tyne’s chair. Dude, it’s her school; come on. AJ played the Catherine Tate card and ground Tyne down for ‘disrespecting’. Tyne played it cool.

It’s hard call taking behavioral criticism from someone with a teddy bear in their boobs.

Of a Hustler, of a, of a Hustler…

Meanwhile, back at the model apartment…
The girls sat down and gave Tyne a talking to. Bravo to Tyne, she wasn’t taking their shit. In fact, she dealt with it better than most adults would. She acknowledged what the girls were saying, but didn’t apologise because she didn’t see her behaviour as being unreasonable. You could tell that’s what the mob were vying for, and Tyne wasn’t giving it up. And that’s fucking choice. Could have done without the ‘it’s hard being 17 and working out who you are inside’ bit.

What does it meeeeeean?

Tea Kweety

Cue AJ on the deck shrieking about something (it’s possible she thinks the ipad clone is shrill activated), turns out they’re going down the line for the next challenge. Aroha had “no idea what was coming next” even though the SaraMail mentioned wool, and the producers put a plushie sheep on the table. Remember, Aroha works on a sheep farm.

The Hummerzine proceeded to drive the long way to SkyCity where the girls then boarded a bus to Te Kuiti. It was really adorable seeing how Aroha takes shearing so seriously. The show’s stylist talked to the girls about wool trends in fashion, which was kinda interesting. Having the No. 1 sheep shearer there was a bit tedious though, and didn’t properly tie-in with the challenge. They should have got Tom and Haz to do it.

The face of shear terror.

Shorn of the Dead

Arihana was being a weak city girl about the whole thing. But that’s what happens when you don’t grow up on a farm. Twitter went to town on it though, about how she was wearing a woolen beanie. Take it easy, guys – she wasn’t saying she had a political viewpoint, just that in that moment it looked like they were being mean to the widdle sheeps.

“I hope you remembered the lessons from our Make It Rain challenge”.

Arihana shouldn’t have worried about the sheep; it was the English language that was drawn to slaughter in a 30-second piece to cam challenge. The prize was a fistful of $10 Westfield vouchers. OMG. Enough to buy all of Glassons and a 24″ LCD flatscreen at Bond+Bond. Or a shitload of Havaianas. Issy transformed and took those girls back to church, finishing up with a victory lap and jumping the stylist before collecting her mall money.

“I forgot what to say about the woow?”

Other girls didn’t fair so well. Or any well. At all.
Still, at least they got a fancy night at The Chateau, or at least we assume so – they could have just stood in the lobby a bit then gone and slept in a dormitory.

Jason Derulo! Bottle Poppin! The Club!

Street Jam and Cheese

Smash Palace. The girls had to be reminded of the movie that shares a name, and when we say reminded we mean told, because no one remembers Roger Donaldson’s movie about kidnapping a child and holding a police officer at gunpoint (so viewer-appropriate).

The styling matched the location: gross, so much ‘wet look’. Are Mai FM trying to go for the Mad Max demographic? What is the Mad Max demographic? The last thing that director made was Happy Feet.
Is the urban aesthetic really a quick shower in bondage gear, then down the scrapyard for a lean on some cars?


Hood Like Moi?

Young Sid turned up, because he’s on the album, but isn’t going to be on the album cover. WTF? Rosanagh had ‘a bit of a spastic’ because she likes Young Sid. This is where she’s different from the Twitter public, because Twitter just about exploded with ‘Who is Young Sid’ and ‘Am I the only person who doesn’t know who Young Sid is?’ tweets. After spitting some fire from his hit song ‘Summer Dayze‘, he pissed off back into his car to play Ocarina of Time for Nintendo DS.

Because she’s a bit spesh, and because she hates Arihana, AJ killed something large and yellow animal and wore it for her shoot. This was the only highlight.

Media training credits: Brian Edwards, Chris Sisarich

Phil Whom The Bell Tolls

DJ Sir-vere turned up a guest judge. His qualifications? He’s a bro with three jobs.

In the end they kicked out the little one.

Do you reckon that after you get eliminated they send you back to the house to pack and use the landline to call your mum?

Briana: ‘Hi mum, I got eliminated. Can you come pick me up now?’
B: ‘Yeah’
B: ‘Yeah I know’
B: ‘Yeah I know eh’
B: ‘Can we get Wendy’s on the way home?’
B: ‘Yum ^_^’

Top Tweets:

“#NZNTM you stole my duck bitch! #replaceawordinafamousquotewithduck” – @tina_plunkett SUCH a rude duck #replaceaswearwordwithduck

“Choose Woow from New Zealin #NZNTM” – @petrajane the proper reading is “Choose Woow? From New Zealin?” #inflect

“Smizing, Not Our Future #YoungSid #NZNTM” – @officialfunning NZNTM is the only product that kills you if you use it as directed.

“Nice suitcase briana #povo #shame #NZNTM” – @pacific_elaine she should have shopped from the Peterman catalogue.

Tweet of the Week:

“Arihana: mixed, cut up and destroyed by DJ Sirvere #NZNTM” – @edmuzik should have kicked her off too #MajorFavour.


  1. Guys, seriously, what’s Amy Poehler doing in the model house?

    • Jilly says:

      I was thinking Tom Lenk, how can one little girl look like so many funny (but old) men and women?

  2. chelsea says:

    i saw dj sir vere do a live set at Real Groovy and he was awesome his hands are like robot hands i wish that he djed at the cool bars i go to like DOC and this episode would have been way better if at the end sir vere just said his piece but then stood up on the desk and started a dj set and scratching heaps and all the girls just started dancing around smiling and hugging and generally having a great time 420

    • thomarse says:

      I read this aloud without taking a breath. I passed out. It was mean. And by ‘Mean’ I mean awesome. And I I know sentences shouldn’t start with ‘And’. Basically, I have nothing to contribute to this discussion.

  3. samiam says:

    I don’t get why Hilary always ends up in the middle. This week, Sir-vere said he thought she fulfilled the brief perfectly, but she still came nowhere (just shows how much the guest judge’s opinion matters). Bianca thought Hilary had placed highly too. But no, she ended up in the middle again. Is she going to make a late run? Or are they going to use her first average shot as a reason to get rid of her? Maybe she’s pretty in too normal a way for them?

    • NZNTM Panel says:

      Oh man, we knoooooow – Hillary is outperforming everyone around her. She doesn’t have the obvious assets the other top girls do, but she works the hell out of her photos.

      We wish they’d step in and give her more advice on what she’s doing *right* in the challenges. Could be a gamechanger we reckon.

      Also, at 17 she’s probably the most mature of all the girls there.

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