Great Sounds Great; Bad Sounds Bad: The Neo-Kalashnikovs ‘Gorgeous Baby’

Helen Flanagan

Great Sounds Great; Bad Sounds Bad is a column which sees a panel of writers for The Corner review a range of local singles and grade them out of 10. Check out the song below, read through their opinions and let us know in the comments section your own thoughts and what you’d like to see reviewed next time around.

[YouTube / Bandcamp]

[Grade: 5.3]

Alex Lyall: Wow Coronation Street just got sex-ay. There’s no reason why they had to go to that trouble to get Rosie Webster but there she is strutting and smoking. I think that was the mindset behind the song too, they’ll make a song just because y’know. I say this because the entire time nothing memorable happens, same tone, same lyrics. No risk, no depth. The repetition feels less like emphasis and more like a piece of propaganda. ‘All hail the gorgeous baby.’ [3]

Robyn Gallagher: I like this song for its lazy, sexy charms. The song doesn’t have much more to say other than the frequently repeated line “my God you’re gorgeous baby”, but sometimes that’s all that needs to be said. The thick fuzzy guitar and Volita’s bright vocals create plenty of sultry atmosphere. But none of that matters because of the utterly insane (and therefore brilliant) music video. Starring ex-Corrie actress and current UK tabloid hot mess Helen Flanagan, the video sees her pouting around a country house while lip-syncing the song. This is either an utterly genius career move for the Neo-Kalashnikovs or for Ms Flanagan, but not both. [6]

Eden Bradfield: Man! This video has a lot of views! Apparently the girl in the video is famous or something. It’s an okay song that goes on too long- only so many times one can repeat “..you’re gorgeous baby” unless one was David Lynch and putting it through a voice processor, which could actually be entertaining. Probably a longer song works to their advantage so the 166K people who’ve seen it can see more footage of Helen whatsherface. As a song it’s a bit weak, but it’s a publicity coup d’état. [4]

Luke Jacobs: Ignore the video. It is terrible. I didn’t know who Helen Flanagan was before it and after it I know nothing. So just stay away. The song ain’t bad but damn does it stick around for way too long. There is so much repetition of a single line and idea it could have been 2 minutes long and smoldered for that time and been perfectly good.

I guess whatever charm it had worked because I listened to the rest of the EP and I can say it’s better and this single is a bit weak compared to the rest of the material they have. The production on their other songs is better too, much less emphasis on the vocals and a hotter sound. The rhythm section sizzles in the EP but on this track it kind of sounds muted. There is potential here but right now we are coasting to average town. [5]

Elizabeth Beattie: The song has decent dynamics, the musical simplicity is quite appealing. The vocals are really excellent, well executed and they compliment the instrumental passages well. This song has an early 90s trancey quality to it, reminiscent of the Breeders while still remaining modern at the same time. I do however wish the lyrics were a little more artful and complex - after a few listens I really felt like I wanted there to be more of them. But I like the mood this track creates and think it’s a pretty decent single. [7]

Alex Braae: While I wasn’t particularly impressed by the lack of punch in this recording, I have no doubt this song would be incredible live. Perfectly simple melodically, with a fantastic drum pattern underpinning it, this song should be remade when the band has access to better technology. In a dark room, smoke machine, too crowded with drinks being spilled by a heaving crowd, the hooks of ‘Gorgeous Baby’ would sweep people up like puppets on strings. As it is in the present form though, it’s just potential. Frustratingly, not quite realised potential. [6]

Eamonn Marra: Nice guitar tone. The harmony in the chorus is really good too. The vocals are a bit high in the mix, and the production is a bit slick, but that is just a personal preference thing. I was hoping this would go somewhere, but it didn’t really do anything. It just stagnated with this one idea for a bit too long. It would be nicer if it were half as long. It’s not a bad song, it just lost its appeal by the end of it. [6]

Michael Kerby: Sleep inducing. Which is, I guess, part of the vibe — a sort of fuzzed-up Cowboy Junkies. But, while nice, (and actually a bit of an earworm) it’s missing some crucial item of interest. I have no desire to ever listen to it again, or to return to whatever languid world they just fell short of conjuring up. It’s certainly a catchy bastard, though. [5]

Nick Braae: The individual components of ‘Gorgeous Baby’ are strong. There’s the main groove, with its menacing battle between a straight kick-drum pattern and syncopated guitar and snare riff; there’s the lovely blending of the voices; and there’s the sultry, bluesy melody. But they don’t quite coalesce into a strong song, probably because there is so much repetition of the ideas. It’s a shame really; a little variation in structure and dynamic level, and this would have been a killer track. [6]

107 Comments

  1. Marshy Michaels says:

    This song is horrible. Vacuous. It goes no where and says nothing. Who uses these kinds of words anyway? Leather panted rockers living an erroneous dream thats who – definitely nothing to do with anything close to NIrvana.

  2. Marshy Michaels says:

    Thats zero points from me by the way.

  3. Hey Guys thanks so much for writing about our song “Gorgeous Baby” it is so great to be on your blog, i’ve been a big fan for ages. It was a bit of a roast but hey thats what you get when you push the boundaries, especially on no budget and 1 day in the studio to record all your single on an album.

    I’m really stoked with the 5.3 considering Lorde got a 7.5 and has had over 35 million payed spins on the radio in the states as of now. Honestly you could record a farting hyena and play it on the radio that many times to Americans and you gonna get a number one hit haha you don’t need Lorde.

    Feel free to offer the “Gorgeous Baby” album as a free download on your blog: http://tinyurl.com/lr3goqj

    The Neo-Kalashnikovs will also be preforming on October 2nd at Auckland Uni Quad to flip the man the bird at an official Student Rally to put a stop to our growing debt as students, its gonna be massive. We are working on our new video coming out in America to for “Turn The Tables” thats going to be released on Vice with some cool peeps. I also have a another video just edited for our trash-rock song “Blue Lithium” shot in Dublin Ireland if your keen on a premier :) Have a great day Moss Bioletti (Drummer) email: theneokalashnikovs@gmail.com

    P.s if you can change the 5.3 to a 20

  4. Who the fuck are these people on this panel? Do they even exist?

    And @marshy say it to my face bitch! lol

  5. Who are these idiots on this blog? Why do you have so many twats making specious comments. Usually on a review you just have one person writing an article not a whole lot of wankers dribbling out theri arse

  6. via The NK’s Facebook:

    Tall poppy syndrome much? Trust New Zealand lowlifes to start throwing knives at a young band who has done nothing but try and actually achieve something. Are you guys for real? Of course a song that repea…ts the phrase gorgeous baby a million times with a gorgeous u.k celeb prancing around in the video isn’t supposed to be taken to seriously! The video budget was $200 the song took one take to record what the fuck do you expect???? Trust a bunch of NZ nobodies to dissect and hate on something that they don’t get cause they are to dumb, bunch of dodos! It’s called exposure I don’t care what you think of the song or the video!!!! To judge a young self-signed band like they are supposed to be Fleetwood Mac with thousands of dollars behind them is just plain trippin. This is why all of our countries real musical success stories have been from NZ artists who have escaped this hellhole and it’s warped, conservative, snobby, judgemental, under achieving attitude that promotes the talentless and slams real achievers. And Nirvana would have done exactly what we have done cause they were smart and didn’t give a fuck. My blood is boiling. Kiss my balls. Volita Pearl Bioletti of The Neo-Kalashnikovs

    https://www.facebook.com/TheNeoKalashnikovs

    • my response to the NK on facebook, just for continuity:

      I doubt anybody on the corner judges bands like they’re supposed to have thousands of dollars behind them- electric fence’s ‘don’t need a heart’ got a pretty high score (7.7 overall) and it was recorded on a $0 budget, and it’s a more “radical” song than yours by far- which bucks the notion that The Corner’s conservative. Best NZ success stories? Chris Knox? The Clean? Et al (in terms of influence, not $$) All pretty local, not a whole lot of international touring. I think the thing is that accusing The Corner of tall poppy syndrome is lazy logic, when really, maybe, some people just didn’t like your song all that much. Nobody’s throwing knives at you- you’ve just had such success elsewhere that I suspect semi-negative reviews (that aren’t all that bad) prompt a bit of a tantrum.

      • The thing is, using the term “lazy logic” is just lazy and the allegation made isn’t against The Corner, but rather one of their sullen, sulky, self-indulgent critics, using terms to attack that are oft use to applaud a song that has caught the ears and eyes of followers in its simplicity. Simply put, your head is so far up your arse you spew shit and call it “constructive criticism” and then rebuke with facile indignation that only confirms your deep seated angst towards any artist unfortunate enough to come within your purview. Going against the curve of critique doesn’t make you edgy and individualistic – it makes you a sad, cynical tosser that can barely hum a tune, let alone analyse one, and never one of your own making.

    • Christopher W says:

      “The video budget was $200 the song took one take to record what the fuck do you expect????”

      Sounds like you’re not entirely happy with the finished product either.

    • Does she know what Tall Poppy Syndrome means?

    • “I don’t care what you think of the song or the video!!!!”

      Right, I’m glad we got that sorted. Now everyone can go back to what they were doing.

  7. Thought the review overall was positive. The two that brought the average down seem focused on repetition and length of the lyrics and lack of risk and depth. Coming from a generation comprising largely of simpering ADD 20 something wannabe’s delegated to critiquing those that are actually taking the risks and creating depth in the album they have produced on their own, its hardly surprising that they can barely keep still long enough to appreciate the simplicity of the song overall and the beauty therein and refrain from a dialogue of snipes not much greater than monosyllabic grunts. As for “Marshy”, grow a pair and shoot them off – that’s about as close as you’ll ever get to the greatness of Nirvana, while the Neos are out there, making their way in spite of your vacuous trolling.

  8. Marshy Michaels says:

    “thats what you get when you push the boundaries” yes that is what is going on with this song. I’ve got it now. That is why it has been so misunderstood! The panelists have been unable to understand because the boundaries have been so exploded and warped with this rewriting of the rulebook from the trailblazing and edgy group Neo Kalishnikovs. This kind of wild experimentation is clearly beyond the simple minded fools on the panel. Perhaps in a couple of years they might be able to catch up and ‘learn.’ Only then will they understand just how far ahead of the curve the boundary pushers of NK really are. Thanks for putting me straight Moss Boletti and Volita Pearl!

  9. leighton keutenius says:

    untill you have bothered to come out and see this dynamic band hold a room with there unique talent sheer hard work and uncomprising passion for live music hold youre septic views for youre lazy observation. we can all sit on a computer and hide beyond words and divide different music abilities because some bloody dam fine people have achieved something which they dreamt up they created and they are happy enough to particapate in and keep music fresh and evolving take this attitude out of music and there is no music more power to this band and there quest for musical freedom hey remember theres always 91 fm pre recorded auto human robots telling us its all good a million times a day mossy smoothest mother fucker violita a true individual lets celebrate individuality not conformist sheep dags gorgeous baby gorgeous words

  10. The Roaster says:

    Hey Eden I think that you’re criticism of the Neos is motivated by a deep seated need to bring successful people down. Its a such a shame that New Zealanders like you are unable to support a band like the Neo-Kalasnikovs who are trying to make a difference for all Kiwis on the international scene.

    Its sad that people like you sit on the side line and dish out criticism without really caring for NZ musicians. The Neos have done everything for themselves without a cent of government money or support. Maybe your criticism in your article should take this into account. Instead of niggly and spiteful second rate opinion maybe you should congratulate The NeoKalashnikovs for their sheer hard work and determination.

    They are an unsigned independent band that has been fighting to survive in a highly competitive international scene. It is disappointing that a blog like The Corner has failed to see the success of Gorgeous Baby for what it is and that its a victory for all New Zealanders and especially New Zealand music.

  11. Marshy Michaels says:

    I get how it might be hurtful to have someone not like something that you have made – something you are proud of etc…but getting all pissy cos someone does not like your stuff and then moaning about how you are pushing the boundaries, getting proud and bullish cos you have got so many hits from having a massive UK soap star in her undies in your video, sending supporters in to make ad homenim attacks on the reviewers, comparing yourselves to Nirvana and continually implying you are on some underground crusade for ‘individuality’ as well as the moaning that you should be supported by NZers because you are also from NZ seems silly.

    Clearly this song does exist – I accept that – lots of people have watched it -very true – I am a NZer – yes – you may indeed have a devastating live show – you may be also ‘hard working’ and no doubt you are also ‘lovely people’ – you may well have done this without any money – thats all fine but none of those things change the fact that I think this particular song is a bland sexless dirge. The narrative surrounding the song is not a defence of the song itself. Neither is patriotism. Neither is the strength of your own belief.

    There is just the song. The song must defend itself.

    • I’m going to be honest here – I hate this song, I dislike this band – I think their approach by getting this random “celebrity” to star in their video is gimmicky as fuck and adds nothing. Its all a little uninspiring.

      BUT – I must point out that this part of the corner, GSGSB, and it’s reviewers are worse than this song or this band, in principle.

      I’ve come to the conclusion that the reviewers behind GSGSB are basically a sect of local bottom feeders with little musical credibility and impossibly high standards, with very harsh and sometimes outright unfair criticisms targeting mostly irrelevant, local independent bands for little reason other than to make humorous jibes and offer witty, cleverly-worded abuse. It’s almost bullying. I would understand brutal, roast-style reviews given towards bigger acts, maybe even just signed ones or bands that are getting thrashed on the airwaves – people who do this for a living or people who are play often on the airwaves and garner such contempt through familiarity, but ripping apart musically ineffectual nobodies is just mean-spirited and sort of demoralising for local artists who typically are highly sensitive, meek candidates for such ritual abuse.

      It just strikes me as sour, overtly antagonistic but just mainly unfair considering the value of the artists being targeted. If I was a random musician with no intention of getting my songs reviewed I’d be worried about putting anything out at all for fear of this blog picking it up and mercilessly getting torn apart. I feel like the reviews are designed to be amusingly disparaging – maybe do like most reviewers do and offer some leniency towards smaller bands that don’t have maybe the time or money (or even ability) to put together songs perfect enough for the standards kept by such harsh reviewers – band’s whose lack of industry traction is already offering the harshest of critiques.

      Come on guys – Do we need this vice-type of arrogance and snobbish contempt when reviewing our local, smaller artists? Not saying don’t be honest as reviewers, but from here it just looks like you’re all about exploiting bad art for comical gain, with the delusional idea that you’re operating with integrity. Most legitimate reviewers would probably tone it down a wee bit.

  12. hey marshmello your personality is prevalent in the NZ music scene. you probably dont realize how long the neos have been around for. they are completely familiar with levelers like yourself which is why they call them out.

  13. i disagree

  14. Marshy Michaels says:

    Neither does how long the ‘neos’ have been around for have anything to do with how good this song is. Neither does
    defend the songg
    whhat is so good about the soong whyyy iiiiis at
    deeeefendd ssoonnnnnnnnnggggggggn…..m;;; ph ,s tvlhjjjb /lknV
    2p4[9-78&*[]
    ,;;;//’
    so
    ‘;]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]] ]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]”””””’)))))))))))))) ))))))) 0))))))))))
    n

  15. fuk u cunts

  16. cept for hussein

  17. Glenn Jameson says:

    Small minded, tall poppy cutters unite. Here’s a band that didn’t ask the taxpayer for a penny, who took their destiny into their own hands. They funded their own music production, convinced a top UK star to be in their video, paid for the trip to England, and created a media sensation that made the news from UK MTV to the NZ Herald. It’s a good pop song, not Mozart. Get over yourselves. Perhaps when one of the critics here can make a 100k+ YouTube hit you’ll better appreciate the merits of our clever Neo’s.

  18. 1: Why the fuck do you watch coronation St.

    2: I like your little beard.

  19. I didn’t get a chance to put a review in for this but I’ll make some quick comments.

    I first heard about the song when the video was released – the fuss about a girl from Coro St in her nightie. Of course I checked it out and suffice to say if you didn’t know who this girl was (I didn’t) it would be a little bit of eye candy for you but not much else.

    Listening again to the song by itself – it’s not awful but neither is it compelling.
    I’ve said before I don’t generally care too much about music videos (although I can appreciate them) I prefer to just listen to the song which is more important to me.
    Music first right?
    In that case I’d give the song a solid 5.
    To be fair their newer song is more like it: https://soundcloud.com/nzonairmusic/10-turn-the-tables-m4a (I’d give that a solid 6).

    Someone mentioned ‘marketing’, YouTube hits, NME, ‘publicity’ etc.
    Well sure, if you play your cards right you can set up these things to transpire. Generally what works is having a fairly average song and pairing with some kind of ‘controversial’ music video – that gets people viewing, talking, debating and blogging. You can call that smart marketing or clutching at straws. That’s where you generate your ‘word of mouth’ but let’s get one thing clear, your ‘word of mouth’ always starts with some kind of ‘intent’ in these cases ie. soap star in her undies in a video is bound to get some interest.
    No point really debating the merits of this – artistically anyway – you can call this a clever attempt at getting some headway above the sea of music out there so give the band credit.
    Or you could just buy Facebook and YouTube likes.

    As for defending yourself against (seemingly) negative reviews like the ones found at the Corner, that’s always a waste of time. Read any comment by disgruntled Six60 fan and you can see how cringeworthy that is (cue standard “tall poppy” comment). Best sit back and enjoy the show.

    Never defend you budget in relation to the finished product either – that is irrelevant.
    Saying you only had $500 to make a song means nothing, likewise video budgets.
    No question that cash helps but good results have always been achievable with zero budget just as awful results have been with millions of dollars.

    So yeah – desired effect achieved: press, YouTube hits, blog posts, Facebook likes, the track gets played/listened to…
    The score out of 10 is actually 11.

    Sidenote: I’m not a fan of the band name – too hard to pronounce and spell.

    PS: Corner reviews don’t intentionally set out to stamp on everything they here – its more of a certain perspective which makes it a little more honest you may say.
    If you are after a review that only recycles a badly written press release and tries to be ‘nice’ and not hurt anyone’s feelings you should stick to reading one of the local music magazines… oh that’s right they don’t exist anymore.

    • “Saying you only had $500 to make a song means nothing, likewise video budgets.
      No question that cash helps but good results have always been achievable with zero budget just as awful results have been with millions of dollars.”

      Word up. One thing I’ve learned from watching tons of NZ music videos is that having strong ideas behind a video can overcome budget limitations. Now, more than ever before, it’s possible to make a really good looking but cheap-arse music video. Budget is no excuse.

      As it happens, I like the Gorgeous Baby vid. I admire that the band roped in Flanagan to roll around in her nightie and in doing so got money-can’t-buy attention from the UK press.

  20. In other news…I just discovered Harvey Knows A Killer & they are “that” band!

  21. Also – those tripping over the review…it is the panels view on the “song” not anything else. Self made, self paid blah blah is irrelevant as it is a “song” review.

  22. LindsayBrohan says:

    I don’t get it, needed more Coro St refrences, 1/10

  23. Thing is though Dingus – most of the reveiwers did have something semi-positive to say about this song. Its not like it got a wall of zeros – so not quite sure your point holds up in this instance. Seems to me they have made every effort to try and be nice – despite the songs obvious shortcomings.

    • Yeah, the most common rating for this song from the panel was a 6. I didn’t think I was slamming the song by reviewing it. I said what I liked about it and what I didn’t, and in the end I gave it a 6 which to me is a better than average song. I love New Zealand music and the whole community and I want to support it. I don’t want to pretend everything is amazing when it isn’t, but I also don’t want to say things that aren’t amazing are absolute crap because they’re not.

      I don’t like the grade average on the panel because a single 9 or 1 can sway it so much. I think it would work better if there wasn’t an all round grade, or if the highest and lowest score were not taken into consideration with it to get rid of the outliers.

      The Neo Kalashnivoks response has done worse things for my opinion of the band than any song of theirs ever will. But they’re far too rock ‘n’ roll to care about a nobody like me anyway.

    • I agree that maybe this particular review isn’t as bad as some of the others I have read here.

      I think having 9 different people tell you your song isn’t good enough for them is kind of unnecessarily harsh. Do you really need that many people? An artist can shrug off a single reviewer on the grounds that art is subjective – but you can’t shrug off 9 – A bad review of a sensitive person’s work could possibly be career (I use this word lightly) ending for that person, as opposed to being critically constructive. That would be a shame if that person’s single song reviewed was maybe one of their lesser effective ones. You could argue that maybe they weren’t “tough” enough for this game – but that’s why I suggest it’s unfair to target smaller, potentially underdeveloped acts with such scrutiny. One thing that seems to crop up sometimes in the reviews is critical assessments of song quality. I mean, what’s the point in commenting on the mix of a self-funded release….? Of course it’s shit. Money, or a good social network is required for a decent engineer.

      This supreme court of creative judgement just feels unnecessarily brutal, and looking through the reviews, errs towards less respectable scores – say what you will but the truth is a 5 out of a possible 10 is essentially a bad review – most of the GSGBSB reviews on this site sit at around the 5 mark. If there isn’t a wide gamut of review scores on any given review site, it isn’t that there just aren’t any good acts out there – its that the reviewers are possibly being too harsh and possibly have too high expectations for what local independent acts in a small country can accomplish.

  24. Wonder why the comments have been disabled on their video then…

  25. I’m conflicted here due likely that I know Andrew B. White and of course The Neo Ks (don’t want to step on anyone’s toes) and I don’t know what to say other that I will give the band their utter praise for taking such a bold move to catch flack for their decision to cast Rosie Webster as their muse/heroine. (I don’t care what her real name is…Helen something. Nice boobies BTW)

    As someone mention, they didn’t ask for a penny from the Government to fund their video and most of their vids are DIY so for continuity sake that aesthetic remains.

    Funny too cause if you know them personally and you know their background then you should give them props for giving the finger to NZ on Air and their awful watermark (seriously how do you remove that shit, its like a bad stain!)

    The scores were decent and fair but this panel of reviewers needs to have some sort of credentials checked at the door, I mean who the fuck are half of you idiots! You don’t sound like people I should have coffee or subway with!

    Marshy Michaels, you know that saying ‘If you dont have anything nice to say, don’t say it at all’, please…. take a hint.

    Here is something else. Why are you not praising a band like The Neo Ks but rather (and I hate to utter this person’s name) focusing on Lorde as she is praised as the second coming of Christ? Why…cause she is signed to a major and with that has umpteen amounts of media at her disposal including that George FM idiot Nick D wrapped around her finger?

    Well I can vouch for them as I have interviewed The Neo Ks
    http://www.nerdyframes.org/the-neo-kalashnikovs-the-interview/

    And their music is listed on the Hype Machine too in America
    http://hypem.com/search/The%20Neo-Kalashnikovs/1/

    So there was no Nick D to pull out his brand of bullshit to hype someone, nah it was from folks that believed in them and took time out to really listen to their body of work!

    All that the band did was meet up with Helen Flanagan, probably talked over coffee like you do, quipped at the fact that Volita’s brother Moss has a thing for her, laughed their asses off and had agreed to some sort of arrangement.

    If this were done under Universal’s grip they would most likely tell Helen to fuck off but hey I only mentioned them cause we all love to talk about Lorde…Jesus!!!!

    Can you see the difference here!

    In my opinion they’re doing good and at least their focus is on being international and from NZ rather than ‘lets stay in this shithole country forever with fuckwits that are the gatekeepers of music that are preventing our popularity and not pursue our dreams!’ case in point…Op Shop, Weird Together, Jetski Safari and Tim Lambourne LOLs!

    Tall Poppy Syndrome…….our version of P.Diddy’s Bitch assness!

  26. Marshy Michaels says:

    leather panted rockers living an erroneous dream nirvana would have done the same preventing our popularity a victory for all new zealanders quest for musical freedom clever neos uncompromising passion grow a pair and blow them off nice boobies btw you don’t need lorde not mozart what did you expect cool peeps trash rock nirvana would have done the same to my face record a farting heyena flip the bird wankers dribbling out their arse media sensation poppy cutters nice boobies btw case in point wall of zeros rude words rude words you dont need failed to see the success of Gorgeous Baby for what it is rude words nz lowlifes kiss my balls a victory for

  27. Official and Final Response from The Neos:
    Cheers Nerdy, all I can say is that those numbers they gave us were utter bull shit take a listen to wilberforces and street chant that shit is terrible we deserved a hands down ten, we’ll see whos laughing when were being spun on BBC Radio 1 and 6 in Britian, making us the only indie band to achieve this from NZ who does not have a gremlin like manager bossing us around. We had nothing now we got something and your made haters because all we did was use our brians, and have some self-belif. As for the corner you guys need to get flung off cliff because people who judge music that only make terrible music themselves are not the people I wan’t to be judged by. So next time The Corner don’t be a little bitch and go behind my back and publish an interview you should have had my approval of, I should have you trumped up kids on defamation charges, see you around…but I won’t!!! I’ll be out in the real world doing serious biz while your sitting behind a computer in your shitty flat in Auckland wondering were it all went wrong… douche bags

    • Are you drunk?

    • Theres lots of NZ bands who have been spun on Radio 1 & 6 without managers numbnuts. I can think of 4 right now. I doubt yours will be one of them though (honest opinion, its just not good enough).

      Also can you please try sue the corner for reviewing your song? Then we can laugh at you a little more..

      p.s not sure why you are bringing Street Chant and Wilberforces into this, but they are in a different league.. and they dont need to get a shitty coro actor in the video for a cheap 15 minutes of fame.

    • Great. I can’t wait to see your guys’ next video, in which Julie Goodyear will fellate a banana.

    • hussein is rich

    • Jesus. They’re certainly not doing themselves any favours….I think they possibly need less “self-belif” (arrogance).

  28. lol the neo-kalishnikovs really turned this into a publicity fail for themselves didn’t they. i really had no strong opinions until reading their hilariously douchey responses.

  29. Not criticising the amount of effort the band has gone into to do their banal video, however, I felt the song itself was really boring. The verse and chorus feature almost identical melodies, and their is no use of dynamic across the whole song. The lyrics don’t say anything meaningful, in fact, they hardly say anything as their is basically one line in the whole song.

    3/10

    Now have another cry.

  30. Look, I’m not quite sure what the fuss is about from the band?
    They actually got very good reviews over all – a 7, several 6s – that’s called ‘winning’.

    I can understand band rants but that’s not really needed here.
    This is a valuable exercise for the band – learning how to respond to (arguably) negative reviews. If indeed they are going to be all over BBC Radio 1 (although it maybe hard to get Zane Lowe to play the song if his pockets aren’t being lined by a gremlin like manager) then they’ll be getting lots more press which may or may not be positive.

    In that case learning how to respond to it is important – you gotta be tough to deal with these Corner douche bag reviewers so if you can do that you are on your way I reckon.

    Tip for the band: If reviews don’t come out glowing you can always cobble together the good bits and use ‘em in your press release (cut ‘n’ paste from below):

    “‘All hail the gorgeous baby.”
    - Alex Lyall, The Corner

    “This is… an utterly genius career move for the Neo-Kalashnikovs”
    - Robyn Gallagher, The Corner

    “…entertaining. …works to their advantage …it’s a publicity coup d’état.”
    Eden Bradfield, The Corner

    “The rhythm section sizzles…”
    - Luke Jacobs, The Corner

    “…the musical simplicity is quite appealing. The vocals are really excellent… (I) think it’s a pretty decent single.”
    - Elizabeth Beattie, The Corner

    “I have no doubt this song would be incredible live. Perfectly simple melodically, with a fantastic drum pattern underpinning it… the hooks of ‘Gorgeous Baby’ would sweep people up like puppets on strings.”
    - Alex Braae, The Corner

    “The harmony in the chorus is really good…”
    - Eamonn Marra, The Corner

    “…a sort of fuzzed-up Cowboy Junkies. It’s certainly a catchy bastard…”
    - Michael Kerby, The Corner

    “The individual components of ‘Gorgeous Baby’ are strong… a killer track”
    - Nick Braae, The Corner

  31. Nick Colannino says:

    I really enjoyed the song and video. I’m normally into really lyrical stuff as well. Keep it up!

  32. I was thinking that “Nirvana would have done the same” was the best line here but now I am thinking “All we did was use our brians” might be. Actually that whole last post is pretty great – having a go a Street Chant and Wilberforces – why not open the whole festering sore up to include others? Good stuff.

  33. everybody shut up and stop btiching

    • this whole thing is cringe overload lol

      • i think you guys are too quick to judge there are a lot of cool seeming people here that i’d love to get to know better, really hear what they think about things

  34. A+, would trade again.

  35. hey so just so you know, Neo used Heckler Koch MP5Ks, Beretta etc, not Kalashnikovs okayyyy

  36. Shane Warbrooke says:

    Hi Dudes! Just letting you know that the Neo Kalashnikovs threatened to have the Hells Angels kill me. I have a pretty rad screenshot of it. I believe they were upset because I asked for a link to all the sweet positive reviews they keep talking about.

  37. Moss Bioletti says:

    I just wanted to also say that why would you roast our band when we have been offered record deals by Universal, EMI & Warner. We’ve turned these offers down to start up our own label… We have a new video coming out soon which will either be premiered on Pitchfork or NME or womans day mag… shame on you

    • Shane Warbrooke says:

      Probably because those things are:

      A) Irrelevant things

      B) Not true things

    • You’re confused:

      Record labels are businesses interested in selling records. Artistic merit is of no concern. They want something they think will be popular.

      Reviews / critics etc are solely concerned with creative merit. Popularity is not a issue unless something represents a cultural shift.

      And if Neo Kalashnikovs are staring into this abyss of inevitable success , why are you bothering with these minnows?

    • It’s funny how all of your comments are to do with shit that’s totally not relevent to the music at all. Which is all this panel discusses – music.

    • You know, if you actually went with my idea of Julie Goodyear making love to a banana with her mouth, then both the NME and Women’s Day would be interested. Think of the publicity!

    • wing guts says:

      Hi Moss
      take a step back, take a deep breath, clear your mind, and try to make sense of your comments please. because they make no sense to the rest of us who like to think logically.
      i’ll repeat the points made else where but seems like they are not getting through to you.
      (i) “roast” – this review was hardly a roast. it was mixed. you got an average review. 5/10 is like halfway. almost every reviewer found something positive in the song even if they didn’t end up liking everything.
      (ii) “when we have been offered record deals by Universal, EMI & Warner.” – why would this even factor into a review of a song? so you’re saying that ‘cos you have been offered these deals, a reviewer to explain why they would not like that song based on this bit of information. what planet are you on? that you have been offered this deals suddenly makes all negative commentary questionable? you’re always assuming they have a pre-meditated “want” to “roast”… what, they set out to get you? perspective, please.
      (iii) “We have a new video coming out soon which will either be premiered on Pitchfork or NME or womans day mag… shame on you” – again, no bearing on anything in this conversation. this is just a throwaway plug that adds nothing to the picture. A BIG SO WHAT you have a video coming out. Why should the reviewers feel shame?? Wtf really. SMDH.

  38. This is the most winning thing on the internet right now! Thanks, NKs. Heres something just for you.

    7 Excellent Tips On Dealing With Bad Music Reviews (Even Though They Don’t Matter)
    http://www.hypebot.com/hypebot/2013/07/7-excellent-tips-on-dealing-with-bad-music-reviews-even-though-they-dont-matter.html

    excerpt: “…. if you feel you can’t ignore reviews and need some help dealing with the bad ones, you should check out Chris Singleton’s excellent post “How to deal with a bad review.”

    Singleton shares 7 tips on dealing with bad reviews. Here are the tips but you should go the read the post cause he goes into more detail and knows what’s up.

    7 Excellent Tips On Dealing With Bad Music Reviews…..

    1. Keep calm and don’t write letters to the publication

    2. Remember that you can’t please all of the people all of the time

    3. Accept that the critic might have a point

    4. Put your stinking review in context

    5. Remember that even a bad review can have some benefits

    6. Don’t forget the other channels of music promo

    7. Prove your critic wrong

  39. “There is a standard answer to this old idiocy of if-you-know-so-much-about-the-art-of-the-film-why-don’t-you-make-movies. You don’t have to lay an egg to know if it tastes good.”- Pauline Kael

  40. The more this goes on the more I end up liking the NK’s.
    I haven’t seen this much interaction in a long time.
    Besides, if they are good by Nerdy Frames they are good by me.

  41. The Corner made a fatal mistake in retweeting troll comments thru their twitter page. in doing so they lost all claim to journalistic pretence and revealed themselves as not having an objective point of view. Their supposed panel is now fatally exposed as a troll fest not worthy of any respect. After all the Corner is simply a crappy little blog.

  42. Marshy Michaels says:

    Now thats just mean.

    Seriously though what does the word ‘credibility’ mean in this context? Does each writer need to produce a cv? Have passed a journalism course? Do they need to prove they have played a gig to more than 100 people? Can read music? Name 10 Kinks songs? What are the credentials you expect? Does the person have to sit an IQ test?

    I suspect the answer you want – what you expected is: Must agree with my views. Must mirror my own values and opinions. I suppose this is natural – to want your own beliefs confirmed. When they are not (beliefs confirmed I mean) you see it as an attack on who you are and what you stand for. Its personal – so you lash out.

    OK. Good. I get it now.

  43. WOW. I haven’t seen this much argy bargy over a NZ band for a long time. PASSION. EXCITEMENT. INTRIGUE.

    Rule number 1:

    Bad publicity is good publicity.

    Polarisation of points of view is GOOD. It stirs up the sludge at the bottom of the jar.. it gets people interacting. GOOD ART is art that engages you in a conversation.

    I have not heard the song.. or seen the video. But the band are doing some very right things.

    They are getting people to know the name of the band, and to interact – even if it is to see the video and dislike it – or like it. It’s a gateway to entering the market, getting known, getting headway.

    KUDOS the N.K’s.

    You are doing what management would pay £10K for over here..or more.. for fuck all.

    Marc

    • Dear Marc

      Thanks for your support!!! a professional director of your calibre weighing in and supporting the band is on an inmmense scale to us. Hopefully we may be able to work with you in the future and shoot another music video just to put all these mud-slingers in their place. None of them have any idea how hard it is to carve out a place for yourself in music or film without coporate/indie gremlins. Have a great day and keep up the outstanding work.

      From The Neo-Kalashnikovs

      P.S- I saw “All Tommorrows Parties” when it Premiered in NZ at the Auckland Film Festival with my father and thourghly enjoyed it

  44. Marshy Michaels says:

    Andrew B White if you were referring to me – then you are wrong. I am not one of those reviewers but I am seriously interested in music and the practise of criticism and its effects.

    I was actually wanting to know from all of the commenters on here who complain about the lack of ‘credentials’ that the reviewers have, what standards they believe might pass their own ‘reviewer test’. Not trying to be particularly provocative. I think it is an interesting question.

    Thanks for that information Dan – I guess I knew that already. I am interested in getting at what others perception about what makes a decent critic is. What is it that creates trust between a reader and a critic – what does it take etc… What kinds of critics do you like – are they just the ones that confirm your own opinions or can they offer you something else?

    • Well I was obviously j-o-k-i-n-g…. but in all fairness as Dan said – you can be a Corner reviewer with a simple email and a deadline.

      The interweb is full of a gazillion people with opinions and I guess the Corner is no different, however people still seem to give it some cred (or not) enough for it to kind of matter (or not lol) so it is what it is.

      I think its especially good we get all these different points of views – reader feedback, comments, artist interaction, a little bravado , a bit of fun and more often than not a lot of new and interesting music.
      And that includes you Marshy – all opinions welcomed.
      Hussein needs to break out the virtual beers.

      A good example of a web blog in 2013.

  45. Marshy Michaels says:

    GOOD ART is art that engages you in a conversation.

    OK. Thats one definition but is is everything? The Duchamp toilet bowl. Maybe yep this was successful because of the conversation it generated but when Duchamp did that he was the first. So his version of stirring – a toilet bowl – was in fact far more elegant than this stupidity. It was important because of the originality of the idea. This kind of thing – ‘Band behaving as arsehole’ – is an old ploy but in this case there is not a jot of wit about anything these guys are doing. In the case of Johnny Rotten , Ian Brown, Mark E Smith, Nina Simone or even possibly someone likeTom Scott etc… there is an actual intelligence and humour at work plus some interesting, generally challenging music behind it. The substance matches the style. The version of ‘rock music’ this band are selling is so asinine as to render their whole veneer essentially an exercise some kind of petty pointless mugging for the camera – like some great drunken yob running in front of a lens spraying Tui everywhere. Music is a good thing with a great capacity to be many things to many people -this – these foolish delusions are all ego and nothing else. To my mind this is just brainless ugly spite and it is sad that in some peoples eyes these guys might actually get some kind of extra respect for this wee episode.

    This is not to say they might not go on to become wildly successful – who knows? I would like to think not but there are many examples of crap rising to the top – but success does not in any way justify or equal goodness – otherwise you might say at one moment in our history Barbie Girl by Aqua could have been classed as great music. (Go on. Defend it.)

    Thats where I think critics can have a role. Thats why I was interested in what others thought a critic should be – or is this question too hard to answer. Maybe too ambiguious. Clearly I think many of the disagreements on this site are down to different peoples perceptions of what the role of criticism is.

  46. Blimey, so must wasted energy when this says all that needs to be said:

    Half Man Half Biscuit – Bad Review

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3B9-wdaxV7Y

  47. To my dear my friend Moss in the band of The Neo Kalashnikovs. I find a lot of these peoples viewpoints on the quality of the song and video to be void of praise and valid point. It takes a huge effort, lot’s of blood, sweat and tears to be able to come together as a band and mix well. Especially since you are siblings. Any disagreement can lead to a powerful mess in itself. In saying that you and your siblings are doing very well. Your music is different, its doesn’t follow the current massive norm. Indie Rock is a hard genre to become massive in. I give you big props on getting this far and i only believe you will get much further.

    Using Helen Flanagan was a smart choice. I read one person believes it will only lead her or the band to stardom, not both. I doubt that highly, because you can only go forward. This video has popularized your band in a massive proportion. There will be a lot of people that will and will not like your music and this song. Stuff them. Your job isn’t to please everyone, it’s to make great music, which is what you are doing.

    Here is my opinion on the song and video.

    The Good: Volita’s voice is wonderful. She keeps a strong tone with the song. Your drumming is always fantastic as i’ve heard you play in high school and it’s gotten a lot better. Gabriel’s guitar has a nice vibe to it. All strong methods of indie rock. All three aspects of the song, vocals, drums, and guitar mix well. They don’t overlap like a lot of bands have trouble doing. For example you can’t hear the vocals because of the guitar drowning them out. That doesn’t happen here.

    The Bad: I was thinking of putting down the repetition of “my god you’re gorgeous baby”. But to be honest, that’s the charm of the song. When i think about it, i go back to Alice in Chains, Nirvana, Collective Soul. They all have very repetitive songs and lyrics, that gave them fame. The problem is the people listening not being able to appreciate the quality and effort put into the song. People don’t seem to understand that originality is difficult these days, because there a billions of humans on this planet, doing the same thing. I realize that the bands i mentioned aren’t indie rock artists but hey, indie rock hasn’t really been my style, However i’m thoroughly enjoying what The Neo-Kalashnikovs are putting out.

    Thus

    You’ve now reached a high level of publicity for the band. As i said using Helen was a good choice. It put The Neo-Kalashnikovs on the map. You will now have an expectation of you to make higher quality songs. That’s where the bad comes in, It’s what you do from now on, how strong the bond of the band is to continue making fantastic music. Eventually you will experiment with your sound. As long as you continue to produce quality music you will not fail. I’m not saying make every song like “gorgeous baby” as that will be too repetitive and possibly lead to failure.

    So i leave you with this. Great song, great sound, great video, you definitely got your worth out of it. I suggest trying to use Helen Flanagan for another video, but not right away. People need to get used to your sound but not bored of it.

    I look forward to seeing how things turn out. The world of music is yours to use. Take It and Lead.

    I give you an 8/10. It’s not the best song in the world, but it sure is one hell of a good one.

    Sincerely Ari Bond

    Anyone of non-importance bashing the video and the song, need to wake up. You know the saying “pics or it didn’t happen” haha so unless they can get to where you are and surpass you, well their opinion is of little value.

  48. “we are heros to the underdogs and the have nots the people that don’t bow down we stand for freedom of speech”- moss bioletti

    “. As for the corner you guys need to get flung off cliff because people who judge music that only make terrible music themselves are not the people I wan’t to be judged by.”- moss bioletti

    lol

  49. Glenn Jameson says:

    Mission Accomplished. The Neos have everyone abuzz… Including the envious armed with poppy shears. : )

    • this is hilarious. an ok song got an ok review. that’s supposed to be tall poppy syndrome? the band members overreacted and with the smallest amount of self awareness and self-critique they could have taken the criticism with a grain of salt, perhaps taken onboard the odd point, and moved on before they embarrassed themselves.

  50. I agree freedom of speech is the right not to be judged. The freedom for instance to not be judged for not having a job in an economy that coldly calculates a necessary number of unemployed.

  51. Pull your heads out of your asses ,
    work on your craft ,write good songs, play some gigs, even one gig .
    Stop bashing other artists and venues, stop embarrassing yourselves.
    Be humble ,there is such a thing as bad publicity .

  52. Just FYI, I’ve removed part of the comment thread here by request

  53. Elizabeth Beattie says:

    Man, this kind of thing really puts me off music writing. I listened to this track A LOT to try to understand it musically and analyze its qualities (In my opinion). I feel like I am a fair reviewer and I don’t write bitter reviews. This response from some members of the band just makes me feel like they haven’t fully grasped criticism. If someone critiques my writing in a way that is intelligent, I’ll embrace that criticism, however, if I think they are doing so because they have a chip on their shoulder, I’ll pass it by. It’s the same with music reviewers. Criticism is a good way to learn and improve, it’s just about distinguishing between the valuable and the not so valuable. If any of the band members are hurt by my opinion, I wish to remind them that it is simply my opinion, which I have a right to, and holds little power over them musically or as individuals.
    I sinceerly wish this band success and good reviews and hope they turn their energy into continuing to create interesting music rather than internet comment anger. X

  54. Lute Penisimani says:

    This kind of tall-poppy is what fucked this country out of our good talents. Our talents left to find opportunities overseas and we’re left with idiots & haters here. Look no further than those who made comments here.

    Fucking, support our local artists.

    • Shane Warbrooke says:

      How come it’s only ever the shortest poppies in the field, barely stubs of poppies if you will, who cry tall poppy syndrome? Perhaps, sheltered from the glare of the sun by the fields of poppies towering over them, they lack the light to see? Perhaps, with all the other flowers so far above them they, can’t see all the stems around them are much taller poppies? Or, as in this case, perhaps the poppies are just next level idiots.

    • New Zealand artists deserve more than just mindless “support” just because they’re from New Zealand.

    • Yes. Blindly. Even if they’re no good. Or you don’t like them. Because just succeeding in making something is so unique and deserving of praise. Because creativity is just so rare. Because artists are entitled to success simply by being artists. And anyone who isn’t doesn’t have any right to an opinion unless it is fawning worship of these demigods who deign to bless us a glimpse of their staggering genius.

      Fucking comma support our artists.

  55. NZERS:

    1- we like to see ourselves do well internationally – because we are so faarrr from the real world of making a living out of music in NZ ( I equate making a living to paying a mortgage and raising a kid – like a plumber or a office worker may).

    The paradigm in this metric is:

    2 – we only like seeing it (success) on our terms.. and we MUST see the artist as being, shy, retiring and humble.

    But – if your having a blast – why NOT sing while your winning? Very few NZ musicians make a lasting whack out of music – and I definitely do not begrudge the band for being high on making some waves and getting attention. This post is up to.. 100 odd comments – ROCKIN!

    We have had some fists out.. swearing.. sarcasm..irony…more swearing..

    Come on.. it’s FUN.

    Imagine if this was talk about the new tax rules for small business.. jesus… thank fuck we are all knee deep in something visceral and mucky as MUSIC.

    long live ROCK N ROLL!!

    It is definitely alive here ;)

  56. I disagree. I don’t need to see our artists as shy, retiring and humble at all. I don’t need to see them lying down and taking mud without being allowed a reply BUT I wouldn’t mind some intelligence, humanity and wit though. There is none of that from the NKs.I don’t see why they should be applauded for being humourles, pathetic dolts more concerned with how successful they are at generating publicity than actually writing a decent song.

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